The coolest resort in Essex
Playa de Arlow is the new happening place to be. A private beach resort with a bar and music. The owners, Flossie and Keith (pronounced “Keith”), welcome you.
Description: Beautiful private beach with own pool and toilet facilities. And free drinks
Posted in Humour
Hello faithful followers and patrons of the Playa
It has been some while since I posted and I do apologise. We had a great season of events planned leading up to Christmas and the New Year but everything was put on hold by Keith (pronounced ‘Keith”s) untimely absence due to a misunderstanding involving a young lady, a walrus and a gorilla fancy dress costume, resulting in a short break at her Majesty’s pleasure. All resolved now and we managed to keep it out of the papers but it did mean that I had nobody to unblock the drains or do the shopping, or indeed everything. Since I am technically related to the Queen (long story) I cannot be expected to even know how to do these things. It’s just not in my genes.
Anyway, Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) did return at the beginning of January but by then I was so traumatised by having to wash my own smalls and feed myself, I felt I needed a break.
I therefore went on sabbatical for a month. I will probably tell you about my exploits in another post but for now, it’s all go here at the Playa now I am back, with a special party being laid on for me! Unfortunately, since all the staff left us over the ‘incident’ and my subsequent lack of commitment to the Playa, it has been left to Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) to organise everything. During my sabbatical, Keith (etc) was good enough to keep the place going but he had to contend with the worst rainfall since records began and also a serious drink problem, not to mention an undiagnosed condition of the foot, which resulted in many hours in A&E and a limp. He also turned the place into a brothel, something I predicted ages ago if ever I wasn’t about, so I had to spend a week evicting Russian immigrants from all the rooms and Febrezing everywhere.
We therefore apologise in advance if the entertainment is not quite up to the usual high standards and ask that you bear with us as we have now invested in a whole new programme of upgrades, further details to be announced soon.
So, back to the party.
We will be holding this in the Club Room, not ideal for such a big event but sadly the only room not damaged by the floods. This was the grand ballroom, which would have been perfect but, as you can see, is no longer useable.
The Grand Room, sadly no longer grand
Luckily, the Club Room escaped the flooding so we are able to use this, although with the amount of guests we are expecting it might be a bit of a squeeze. I think you’ll agree it has a great atmosphere though, eh? This photo was from the annual Penis Jugglers Convention, held at the Playa last year. Always a fun event!
Penis Jugglers comparing notes
Entertainment will be provided by the ever popular Mitzi and Suze, still reeling from their success on Britain’s Got Talent, and who always delight us with their performance and sparkle. Rumour has it that they have a new ‘adult’ act up their sleeves, involving pickled onions and some sandwich filler but we shall just have to wait and see!
Mitzi and Suze on TV
Tickets are not needed for this event, which starts this evening at 7.30pm but you are advised to arrive early if you want a seat and some of the delicious free buffet.
We look forward to seeing you later on to celebrate Flossie’s return and a new year of events at the wonderful Playa de Arlow, the most happening place to be in Essex!!
Dress Code: Preferable
The Management
Posted in Humour
Good day, Playa fans. I hope you have all been enjoying the marvellous hot weather we have been so fortunate to have here in the UK this month?
Here at the Playa, we have been busy with the usual flurry of guests wanting to spend a few days away at our fabulous resort.
This month has seen an unusually high number of visitors, particularly since several members of TOWIE were recently spotted in the locality. Technically, they weren’t actually TOWIE cast members but they certainly looked like them and behaved in exactly the same idiotic manner so they count as TOWIES.
Obviously, with all the extra guests we have had to extend the resort and open up the rear car park to caravans and mobile homes. I think you’ll agree that we have managed to create a very exclusive and upmarket site though, yes?
And now we are almost into August…..
August is RIOT MONTH in the UK, as I am sure you are aware. To celebrate this traditional British festivity, we will be holding a whole host of events to entertain you.
Come and sample some of the wonderful local (and international) beers on offer at the BEER TENT.
Be entertained by the hilarious ‘Fire Setting’ event, where locals compete to see just how many vehicles they can set ablaze in an hour, dressed in traditional rioting costumes!
Join the looters as they merrily rampage through the town centre, joyfully smashing windows and stealing worthless items from Poundland and Primark!
Enter the traditional August Rioting Games and be part of the fun!
Whatever you decide to do, we look forward to seeing you and we hope you will go home feeling that you are truly part of a great British festival!
Posted in Uncategorized
It has been some while since we have posted anything here at the Playa so, first of all, apologies to our many fans, patrons and guests. We haven’t forgotten you, we have just been very busy getting everything ready for the summer season here at the Playa de Arlow.
As you will know, extensive refurbishment took place at the end of last year and we have been working on making your Playa experience even bigger and better for 2013.
Vintage and Burlesque are enjoying a huge revival at the moment so, obviously, Playa de Arlow is cashing in on it.
For your delight, therefore, we are pleased to announce some new events that we think you will love!
Firstly we will be holding a regular VINTAGE FAIR on the old car park, located behind the sewage tank.
Entry is free and you will be able to browse the many stalls and sample home-made cakes, as well as buy vintage items (such as this very delightful genuine shopping trolley) at these events.
Should the weather prove to be inclement, which it invariably is in Essex, we will move the whole thing indoors and hold the Fair in the newly refurbished ‘Great Hall’
As well as these very well organised Vintage Fairs, we will be holding regular BURLESQUE NIGHTS. We have an exciting line up of world-famous stars booked to attend and we kick off next Saturday with the fabulous PAMELA PANTS!!
Always a classy act, she will be hard to follow!!
However, we are also extremely lucky to have managed to sign a contract with the fabulously famous DITTO VON TEASE who will be performing once a month from July, in between touring the world and working in Tescos.
So, as you can see…an exciting few months ahead!
To make sure you don’t miss out, book early!!
And don’t forget to keep checking back for more on our exciting SUMMER PROGRAMME!
The Management
Posted in Humour
Welcome back readers to our latest newsletter. We here at the Playa were overwhelmed at the response to our last offer, which included a reduced introductory fee for new members of the Winter Sports Club. Flossie has been inundated with requests for muffs, all of which are hand-knitted by Flossie herself.
One of Flossie’s lovely hand-knitted muffs…..
Valentine’s Day is now almost upon us and, true to form, the Playa has an exciting special offer for you
For a very reasonable price, we here at the Playa are proud to announce that we are now able to perform GAY MARRIAGES*
Yes, we can happily let you gayer types tie the knot, and whatever else you people tie, here in our specially converted GAY CHAPEL
The beautiful chapel at the Playa
Enjoy a day with your loved one, and seal your love for each other by getting married. Flossie & Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) are both qualified to perform marriage ceremonies. Well, not exactly qualified but we have a rough idea of what to do. And we both scrub up well so we won’t let you down in the photos
Alternatively, just come and have a bit of dinner and a shag. Much cheaper and just as much fun
*Offer also open to non-gayers but without the wedding bit. So basically, just dinner and a shag
Disclaimer: The management are not anti-gay. In fact, many of their best friends are gayers. Indeed, we are waiting for the wedding invites to flood in now. We are, however, not particularly taken with the whole idea of marriage if it excludes those people who choose to love others of the same sex. This post is a celebration of the fact that our friends are now able to choose to marry, should they wish to.
Posted in Humour
We are pleased to announce that the Playa is now a fully licensed ski resort as well as everything else. We opened to the public at the weekend and we are delighted to accommodate the Essex Ladies Bobsleigh Team and the well established South Eastern UK Skiing Society who will all be basing themselves at the Playa.
Members of the Essex Bobsleigh Team practising at the Playa
Excellent snow conditions for skiing at the Playa guaranteed!
We would like to invite you to join us and sign up for our exclusive Winter Sports programme. Membership will allow you to use the facilities, which include a state of the art ski slope and tobogganing facility, as well as automatic invites to all the Apres Ski events, which we anticipate will be very popular.
Members of the Playa Winter Sports Club enjoy one of the regular apres ski parties
Do come along soon and introduce yourself and sign up to be a member. Special rates apply until the end of this month and, if you say you know Flossie, you’ll get a free pair of ski goggles and a muff.
Festive greetings from the Playa. We hope you all enjoyed your Christmas break and we extend a heartfelt thank you to those of you who chose to spend Christmas and Boxing day with us. Thanks again mum.
Anyway, we still have New Years Eve to look forward to and I hope you will all come along to this special event (further information is in previous update). If you are unable to join us to see in the New Year we hope to see you in 2013 as we really do have a great year planned here at the Playa, details of which will follow in a future bulletin.
Meanwhile, Flossie has been busy expanding her portfolio and has recently decided to run for PM. As I am sure you are aware, this is a very time-consuming job, what with lunches and press releases and running the country and that, so she may not have quite as much time to spend at the Playa. However, Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) will be holding the fort and making sure that all your needs are catered for and she will still be around to oversee things (mostly because Keith would turn it into a brothel if he was left to his own devices).
As part of Flossie’s new venture, the Playa plans to rent out the newly refurbished dance hall and we are delighted to be able to tell you that David Cameron has already expressed an interest in holding the 2013 Conservative Conference here.
Unfortunately, Flossie is a staunch labour supporter so it is unlikely that this will go ahead. Nice to be asked though. We have approached Eddie, therefore, and we are waiting for him to get back to us. We’ve included several tempting ‘extras’, such as free beer, sandwiches and call girls, so we are hopeful he will want to hold this prestigious event at the Playa.
(It should be noted at this point that Flossie is NOT running for PM as a labour candidate as they are also pretty useless. She intends to form her own party and is busy working on her manifesto as we speak).
Anyway, that’s all from the Playa de Arlow for now. To all who have loyally followed and supported us this year, we say thank you and we would like to wish you a
VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
The Management
Here at the Playa we strive to keep our customers happy. It is with great pleasure, therefore, that we are proud to announce our latest venture.
Essex has a rich, fertile landscape that lends itself perfectly to the cultivation of grapes. For the past few years, we have been developing our vineyard and we are now ready to introduce the world to our wonderful, organic, locally grown wine.
St Chardonnay is named after a popular saint of the area. Indeed, many wines worldwide have adopted the name and it is often mistakenly thought that the name derives from a variety of grape.
As it happens, the name comes from the wife of a local squire, around the time of The Conquests, who was renowned for her services both to the local community and to soldiers passing through. She was beatified, and later canonised by the Pope himself, for her generosity and her ‘giving’ nature and the name has lived on through the ages, with many Essex couples still choosing to name their firstborn after this saintly lady.
We therefore introduce you to St Chardonnay de Playa 2012.
This wine initially has a light, fruity taste on the palette, with subtle undertones of chewing gum and smoky bacon flavour Wotsits. On first taste you may think it is a cheeky little wine but, as the flavour bursts onto your tongue, you realise it is in fact a downright slapper. Undercurrents of Stella and Lambrusco complete the illusion of a balmy night out in a local pub and the final kick, delivered by the essence of kebab, really completes the picture.
A finely balanced wine with the potential to deliver a punch, at 16% ABV. Not for the faint hearted!
Available by the case at a very reasonable price of 45 pence per unit.
Posted in Humour
As those of you who follow the activities here at the Playa will know, we have been very quiet for the past couple of months. This has been, in part, because the summer season finished but also due to the extensive refurbishment work that has been taking place.
We are thrilled to announce that this is now finished and, to mark this, we are holding some very special ‘Christmas Holiday’ events.
For a very competitive price we can offer you one of the special events we are hosting throughout the festive period, with the option of different packages, including accommodation.
Please see below for the full programme of events:
Christmas Eve
Dinner and dance with music by Muse and Rihanna (rarely seen together)
Dress Code: No trackies or hoodies
Christmas Day
Christmas lunch and all the trimmings served by our temporary staff, who will strive to make your Xmas Day a wonderful experience
Dress Code: Festive. No silly hats
Boxing Day
Celebrate with us as we party into the night with our ‘themed’ evening of entertainment. Music will be supplied by our resident DJ and will go on until late (10pm). Buffet snacks will be available throughout the evening.
Dress Code: Themed
New Years Eve
Grand banquet and masked ball! Join us for an evening of intrigue as we see in the New Year. Dance til the early hours with our resident DJ who will be spinning some tunes to get you tapping your feet! (Strictly no requests for Agadoo)
Dress code: Masked, obviously
Each event can be booked as a stand alone event or you can take advantage of one of our many package deals, which also include accommodation.
Our lovely new rooms all have en suite bathrooms and we also have a number of suites that are at the top end of the range and include the services of your own personal maid (white stilettos extra). For those of you who are on a tight budget, may we suggest you go to Butlins.
To take advantage of these wonderful offers, or for more information, please leave your questions and details below and we will get back to you at some point.
Posted in Humour
Well, it has been an interesting weekend here at the Playa. First of all, we would like to apologise for the non-appearance of the Chuckle Brothers who informed us right at the last minute that they were double booked and couldn’t make it. Personally, we felt that a gig at the Playa was far more important than an evening entertaining the ministers at the House of Commons but they said they had promised David Cameron ages ago and, since he is a big fan, they felt duty bound to fulfill the obligation.
Moving on to the talent competition, held last night, we were rather disappointed that the number of entries was less than we had expected. Actually, there were just two. And one of those was a dog.
The dog won, of course. We were genuinely impressed with his rendition of Moon River, done in the style of Andy Williams.
Anyway, that’s all this week from the Playa de Arlow. We have some winter events lined up for you but they will be announced at a later date.
Thank you all for your support over our first year in business and we look forward to taking bookings for next season.
The Management
Posted in Humour
Well it has certainly been a busy month here at the Playa. We are starting to wind down now, as the season approaches its end, but we would just like to thank all those of you who have participated in the events, followed our antics and helped to clear up the mess afterwards.
As there is an almost full moon tonight we thought you may like to take part in the annual ‘Howl at the Moon competition’. All you have to do is howl, it’s that simple. There are no prizes because there will be no winners. It will just entertain the staff here who are, quite frankly, not that much use to us at the moment, half of them having gone off to perform in some shoddy Am Dram production of Oliver! at the local theatre.
Oliver! The Musical at Rhodes Arts Complex
Still, those of us still here will appreciate your efforts.
Don’t forget we have the Chuckle Bros here on Friday night – have you got your tickets yet? It’s bound to be a sell out!
No entries as of yet for the Playa’s got Talent show on Saturday but no doubt there will be a rush at the end of the week so we are looking forward very much to that!!
Be sure to visit us soon and sign up for our regular newsletter!
The Management
Posted in Humour
Playa de Arlow 